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inspirational by Hellrebel

victimsunited by nnn1997


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Submitted on
August 20, 2012
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The thrashing of my daddy's screams,
echoing in my ear.
The way that my tears stream
speaking of all my fears.

The thump of mommy hitting the ground
pushes me to my feet.
I ran not to her but all the way around
listening only to my heart beat.

I hit the door running
and ran far away,
my stature anything but cunning,
caring only to escape as daddy begun to slay.

Midnight was when I turned around,
and twilight was when I came inside.
I saw the blood painting mommy's night gown,
and I learned that even a child recognizes someone who has died.

I curled up beside her
hiding within plain sight.
Knowing that daddy was far gone and a distant blur,
and that I would loose both of them, that fateful night.

We found each other in the morning,
those police men and I.
The air of the town full of warning and mourning,
And everyone kept asking me why, oh why?

So that was my story,
hope it wasn't a mess
as the mystery of that night turned quite and gory....
you figure out the rest.
Something I wrote when I was bored... I'm always intruged nby the family members of murder victims and murderers themselves, so this is maybe a way a child can try to process it.
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:iconchessycat:
ChessyCat Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012
I have two friends with experiences like this ... The first saw her father kill her mother before she ran away, and the other's father raped and killed a little girl. The latter can barely talk about it, but the former has no trouble. She's disassociated from it so much it kind of reminds me of this poem -- graphic detail, but just a waver of emotional response in the teller. Kind of numb.

Also, on a note more poem-related, I didn't even notice the rhymes 'till the last verse. The odd meter kept me paying attention; poems that have rhythm make me re-read them over and over again because I keep getting lulled into daydreams, lol.
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:iconvertigoart:
VertigoArt Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Professional Writer
I love your idea, but I believe your execution is lacking. The flow is almost nonexistent at times and some of the rhymes are forced or so they seemed. It would have been better as a free verse piece with no forced meter or rhyme. This is my opinion.
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:iconreflectionsinwater:
reflectionsinwater Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hm.. The tone of the piece I must say is quite interesting ;). There are some parts which I feel may be a bit inconsistent such as the ending to the rest of the poem. I love the part 'Midnight was when I turned around...', it flows so well! Nice :)
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:iconkedonsine:
kedonsine Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Great Job; Vivid Descriptions.
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:icondsteffi:
DSteffi Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Interesting. I like the story of this. But I think this line: "and I learned that even a child recognizes someone who has died" is too long and ruins the flow of the poem. But other than that, I really liked this poem. Nice work.

--

All the effort is pointless if you don't believe in yourself.
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:iconxxlisten2therainxx:
XxListen2theRainxX Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012
I really love this poem and how it told a story. You did a good job. Keep up the good work. :)
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:icontureis:
Tureis Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Student Writer
Very nicely written and a very unique perspective. It was well put together. Your word choice was amazing as was the whole idea of the piece. I love it :) Great job!
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